Not So Merry: Dysfunctional Family Dynamics, Guilt and Anxiety During the Holidays
Happy Holidays? Not always. For some, that phrase is loaded. If you saw this post and felt a sinking sensation in your stomach, you're not alone. Let's face it; for many of us, this 'joyful' season can be a uniquely bleak and challenging time.
I’ve navigated the terrain of holiday anxiety both in my own life and with countless clients. Let's be real: the season can cast a long shadow when you have complicated relationships with aging parents and your family of origin. Amidst all the pressure for festive joy, what often arises is less "Jingle Bells" and more a complex symphony of anxiety, resentment, and a particularly heavy form of guilt which is a gift nobody wants but everyone seems to get.
If you find yourself feeling this way, please know your feelings are not a sign that you are broken or ungrateful. Your feelings are a rational response to the challenge of stepping back into old, often painful, dynamics. Below is some information you might find helpful.
The Emotional Landscape: Beyond Simple Guilt
Let's name some of the specific emotions that can feel so intense during this time:
The Tyranny of Guilt and Moral Scrupulosity: This isn't just everyday guilt. For many from dysfunctional families, guilt becomes a deeply wired moral imperative—a feeling that you are fundamentally wrong for prioritizing your own well-being. This can morph into moral scrupulosity, where you become hyper-focused on the idea that setting a boundary or saying "no" makes you a bad, selfish person. Your internal critic, often shaped by early family messages, holds you to an impossible standard, making any act of self-preservation feel like a moral failure.
Resentment with a Side of Grief: This resentment is often layered with grief, especially when dealing with aging parents who were previously unkind or abusive. You might be facing the dual reality of an older, perhaps frailer person, while still carrying the wounds from the younger, more powerful version of them. It’s a confusing space: can you hold them accountable? Should you? The resentment is for the past; the grief is for the present impossibility of the relationship you deserved.
Anxiety of Clashing Values: The anxiety skyrockets when you're navigating family members who hold values you perceive as toxic or bigoted. The dread isn't just about a personal disagreement; it's a profound feeling of invalidation and unsafety. It creates an impossible choice: bite your tongue and betray your own ethics, or speak up and risk a destructive conflict. Your integrity feels on the line, and your nervous system knows it.
The Path Through: Holding Two Truths at Once
The way through this isn't to find a simple answer, but to acknowledge complexity and uncertainty without judgment. The most profound healing I witness starts when we learn to hold two seemingly contradictory truths at the same time:
I can have compassion for my parent's suffering and limitations, and I must have compassion for my own suffering, which requires boundaries that may impact them.
They are a human being who was likely shaped by their own pain, and their behaviour was hurtful to you. You can feel sorrow for their struggles, and you are entitled to protect your peace. This isn't about choosing one truth over the other. It's about making room for both, which allows us to move from a place of reactive anger or crushing guilt to a place of conscious, values-driven choice.
In my counselling practice, I help clients learn the anatomy of family dynamics and build the muscles of compassion, non-judgment and acceptance. Here’s a glimpse into that framework:
Understanding the System (Family Systems Theory): We pull back the lens to see the entire family as an emotional unit. This helps demystify your guilt. We look at how roles (e.g., "the scapegoat," "the peacekeeper") and unspoken rules ("don't rock the boat") were assigned. Seeing this helps you understand that your "moral guilt" is often a control mechanism within the system, not a reflection of your actual character.
Clarifying Your Compass (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - ACT): Here, we focus on what matters to you now. We don't try to eliminate the guilt or anxiety—we make space for it while asking, "What is a value-guided action I can take here?" It might be valuing your safety by leaving early, or valuing authenticity by calmly stating, "I don't see the world that way, and I'm not going to debate this," when a toxic topic arises.
Listening to Your Inner World (Parts Work): That voice of intense guilt? That's a "part" of you, likely a young one, that learned it had to be perfectly compliant to be safe or loved. The resentful part is a protector. In our sessions, we get to know these parts with curiosity, not judgment. We thank them for their service and help them understand that the adult you is now at the helm, capable of setting boundaries from a place of strength, not punishment.
Rewiring the Stories (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - CBT): We get practical with the thoughts that fuel your pain. "If I set a boundary, I am a bad daughter." "It's my job to make my parents happy." We gently test these family-inherited beliefs and build more balanced, self-compassionate thoughts: "My worth and moral value are not defined by my family's approval. I can be a caring person and have limits."
And woven through all of this is the simple, yet profound, practice of bearing witness. So much healing occurs when you have a neutral, non-judgmental space to voice the unsayable—to express the grief for the parent you wish you had, the anger at the bigoted comment, or the confusion of loving someone whose values hurt you, without anyone trying to "fix" it.
If the holiday season feels like a high-stakes emotional negotiation, please know that you don't have to navigate it alone. You can learn to honour your truth, set boundaries with clarity, and find a sense of peace that is rooted in your own compassionate authority.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to reach out for a free consultation. We can explore how working together can help you find your unique path forward.
